I need your feedback! (Updated)

I have changed some details and words in this edition. In the last sentence I omit the writer’s block (cuz it only happens to writers not a 14 year old boy) and write another sentence. You can also suggest names for characters.

I have just written a pitch for my novel. I need your idea about it. That’s really important to me. Please tell me what do you think of it.

Here is the blurb:

“When fourteen-year-old Allen Foster is diagnosed with parasomnia, he begins journaling each nightmare on the advice of his psychiatrist. Keeping the notes safely hidden in floorboard after his recovery; that is until a new family moves into the Maine house. Rita, the daughter of the new owners, discovers the notes and begins experiencing the nightmares. She tracks Allen down in an effort to rewrite them and end the misery, but when she finds Allen she finds out that he has lost his memory in an accident…”

Amir.H.Ghazi

Special thanks to desertdweller29, AnnaLeise, Sabiscuit, Radhika and others who helped me a lot.

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114 thoughts on “I need your feedback! (Updated)

  1. Sounds promising! I’ve had to rewrite my pitch so often, so I understand and appreciate how difficult it is. The key is making it as concise as possible while maintaining a sense of intrigue.

    Here’s an example of something I would suggest (take it or leave it):

    When fourteen-year-old Allen Foster is diagnosed with parasonmia, a nightmare disorder, he begins journaling each nightmare on the advice of his psychiatrist, keeping them safely hidden in a floorboard; that is until a new family moves into the Maine house. After, Rita, the daughter of the new owners, discovers the journal/notes, she contacts Allen, leading them together on a journey of horror/grief/self-discovery . . .

    Good luck! πŸ™‚

    Liked by 7 people

  2. Hard to say without the specifics . . . If it’s just the one sentence pitch, I don’t think it’s important; however, if this is a query letter, you can expand the pitch with more prominent details. There are so many great resources on how to pitch and query. I used a few “How to” books until I perfected mine.

    Here’s a quick suggestion for that sentence, without knowing all the details:

    After Rita, the daughter of the new owners, discovers the journal/notes and begins experiencing the nightmares firsthand, she tracks Allen down in an effort to rewrite them and end the misery, only to discover he is suffering from writer’s block.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. So the question flying over my head is “Why did he have to move out?” all of the sudden that aint his house anymore. Did they leave in a rush? Or why did they(he/his family) decide to sell the house? What happend that he just left the notebook there?
    That is a really nice entry u made in there, it’s very interesting and readers just seek for more details. That would make a full entry in a story.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I think your story idea has a lot of promise and potential. I certainly think it has elements of intrigue which would keep a potential reader interested and wanting more. All the very best with it.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. So I really like it but then I get kind of confused near the end. I’m a little confused as to what writer’s block has to do with it all. Also, does Rita start having the nightmares before or after she reads the notes in the journal? I think it would be more interesting if she started having the nightmares and THEN found the notes. It would almost be like she was psychic or linked to Allen in some eerie way. It does sound interesting though. Good job! πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. First of all thanks for your great feedback. The nightmares occur to Rita. The only way to stop them is to change their scenarios & only Allen, the owner of the notes can change them. But now he is unable to write a word because of writer’s block. That makes the situation hard for them.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I think It’s the best description I’ve read about a book.
    The story is very interesting and made me wanna read more!
    Is this your creation?
    Is it scary, like reeeaaally scary?? (well I am a chicken and I am not afraid to show it haha) If it isn’t I would like to get some more information about it.
    Thank you for your support πŸ™‚
    Your work is very good, keep it up!!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Your story idea is fabulous… it is intriguing and mysterious. It is not vague as it definitely would make the readers ask questions like why did Allen move out or is the origin of nightmare connected to his writing..so if he is not writing maybe he is not suffering anymore…..I would definitely want to read it. All the best and please let me know when it is published.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Its actually really interesting. Maybe start with Rita as the main character and then when she finds him, have it switch. He will be the main character now and the interesting angle of writer’s block is really going to be interesting. Best of luck!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Definitely an intriguing premise, the overall pitch needs to be more concise though. And this one sentence is a bit confusing, so you may want to re-think it: “Keeping them safely hidden in floorboard; that is until a new family moves into the Maine house.” Hope this helps! πŸ™‚
    Cheers,
    Radhika

    Liked by 1 person

      1. The last one I read that literally gave me nightmares was The killing Lessons by Saul Black. I wanted to finish it as fast as possible….first of all because i obsessed over finding out what would happen next and second i had to finish it so I could sleep semi peacefully at night

        Liked by 1 person

      2. the books I read have to be dark, deviant, scandalous, sexual, obscene, deep, psychological, raw….raw as in it’s clear the author bled when he/she spilled memories and thoughts onto paper. It’s cool when a books entails all of my criteria….but those books are hard to find. i’m usually content as long as the book can shock me and make me think on a deeper level! I loved “the girl on a train”…..i didn’t want it to end. First book I fell in love with was A Clockwork Orange.

        Liked by 1 person

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