I have changed some details and words in this edition. In the last sentence I omit the writer’s block (cuz it only happens to writers not a 14 year old boy) and write another sentence. You can also suggest names for characters.
I have just written a pitch for my novel. I need your idea about it. That’s really important to me. Please tell me what do you think of it.
Here is the blurb:
“When fourteen-year-old Allen Foster is diagnosed with parasomnia, he begins journaling each nightmare on the advice of his psychiatrist. Keeping the notes safely hidden in floorboard after his recovery; that is until a new family moves into the Maine house. Rita, the daughter of the new owners, discovers the notes and begins experiencing the nightmares. She tracks Allen down in an effort to rewrite them and end the misery, but when she finds Allen she finds out that he has lost his memory in an accident…”
Amir.H.Ghazi
Special thanks to desertdweller29, AnnaLeise, Sabiscuit, Radhika and others who helped me a lot.
Intriguing synopsis. I would start with Fourteen year old Allen Foster – similarly tighten the description of Rita. Best of luck!
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Thank you! I really appreciate your comment:)
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Sounds promising! I’ve had to rewrite my pitch so often, so I understand and appreciate how difficult it is. The key is making it as concise as possible while maintaining a sense of intrigue.
Here’s an example of something I would suggest (take it or leave it):
When fourteen-year-old Allen Foster is diagnosed with parasonmia, a nightmare disorder, he begins journaling each nightmare on the advice of his psychiatrist, keeping them safely hidden in a floorboard; that is until a new family moves into the Maine house. After, Rita, the daughter of the new owners, discovers the journal/notes, she contacts Allen, leading them together on a journey of horror/grief/self-discovery . . .
Good luck! 🙂
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This is the best comment! You know, writing a great pitch isn’t so easy, but your idea is awesome. Thank you so much!
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My pleasure!
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But what about the writer’s block?
It makes the situation harder for Rita.
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Is the writers block tied to Rita beginning to have the nightmares? And does his writers block mean he is no longer having his own nightmares?
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His nightmares have stopped after he did the doctor’s advice. But he is unable to help Rita rewriting the notes because of writer’s block.
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I was completely drawn in – no I am completely drawn in but was confused by the last line so I like the edit of leading them on a journey. Best of luck, what a intriguing story line!
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Thanks for your great feedback miss. If you have any suggestion on the last line feel free to tell me:)
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Hard to say without the specifics . . . If it’s just the one sentence pitch, I don’t think it’s important; however, if this is a query letter, you can expand the pitch with more prominent details. There are so many great resources on how to pitch and query. I used a few “How to” books until I perfected mine.
Here’s a quick suggestion for that sentence, without knowing all the details:
After Rita, the daughter of the new owners, discovers the journal/notes and begins experiencing the nightmares firsthand, she tracks Allen down in an effort to rewrite them and end the misery, only to discover he is suffering from writer’s block.
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Don’t worry! You’ll get better and better with practice. I promise. 🙂
Everything that is easy was once hard.
Happy Thanksgiving!
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Thanks anyway.
Happy Thanksgiving.
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I think the idea is great, it sounds so scarily intriguing 🙂
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It gave me a great joy that you liked it 🙂
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All that you have written and the suggestions followed in the comments appear super interesting! 🙂
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Thank you Linita:)
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So the question flying over my head is “Why did he have to move out?” all of the sudden that aint his house anymore. Did they leave in a rush? Or why did they(he/his family) decide to sell the house? What happend that he just left the notebook there?
That is a really nice entry u made in there, it’s very interesting and readers just seek for more details. That would make a full entry in a story.
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I must work on it. I’m afraid readers find it vague. You know, in writing a pitch you shouldn’t give many information about your story or character. So was it vague? Or was it intriguing?
Thanks for your great comment:)
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My bad, google translated few words and now i see why i took it wrong. All in all good job, intriguing for sure 🙂 .
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I appreciate your comment my friend ^_^
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I think your story idea has a lot of promise and potential. I certainly think it has elements of intrigue which would keep a potential reader interested and wanting more. All the very best with it.
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I’m glad you liked it Miriam. Thank you very much! If you have any suggestion let me know. 🙂
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I think it a great start up.. Keep going. Am waiting for more
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Really?? Thank you my friend!;)
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I think it a great start up. Keep going.
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So I really like it but then I get kind of confused near the end. I’m a little confused as to what writer’s block has to do with it all. Also, does Rita start having the nightmares before or after she reads the notes in the journal? I think it would be more interesting if she started having the nightmares and THEN found the notes. It would almost be like she was psychic or linked to Allen in some eerie way. It does sound interesting though. Good job! 🙂
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First of all thanks for your great feedback. The nightmares occur to Rita. The only way to stop them is to change their scenarios & only Allen, the owner of the notes can change them. But now he is unable to write a word because of writer’s block. That makes the situation hard for them.
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Ah, okay. That makes sense. Would you mind giving me some feedback? What do you think of the idea of my challenge I mentioned in my last post?
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Of course. Let me see:)
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What do you think of me challenging everyone to post quotes from their favorite funny movie?
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Great idea! Let’s see the results
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Thanks!
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I would cut out the name of the nightmare disorder. It slows the blurb down and will be explained in the book ( I imagine) Otherwise, sounds intriguing.
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Great advice! I must work on it. So you say that I must omit the “nightmare disorder”?
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Reblogged this on Crazy Pasta Child.
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Thanks for reblogging.
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Some good suggestions there from your readers. I wouldn’t presume to offer anything else as it all sounds great to me! Good luck with it.
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I’m so glad you find liked it. Thanks for your comment miss:)
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I actually liked the mention of writers block…that is what was most intriguing for me and I wanted to know how they overcame this obstacle!
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This is the first edition of my blurb. I’m glad you liked it:)
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Sounds like it’s going to be great! Thanks for sharing
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You are most welcome Tasha:)
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By the way, I wanted to thank you for having that two sentence horror story contest. I might use it for a story for a book or something one day. 🙂
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Unfortunately I haven’t announced the winners yet. But thank you too for participating in the contest Miss I don’t know her name:)
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Ha, you can call me B.G. I really liked the challenge, I never thought I could do it, but I managed to think of something!
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Oh…kay B.G, if you want to know how to write a horror story you can check out my book ” how to write horror story” in the first posts!
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Okay, I’ll have to check it out! Thanks!
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If you have any question or need anything else feel free to let me know. I’ll be glad to help you:)
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Thanks.
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I think It’s the best description I’ve read about a book.
The story is very interesting and made me wanna read more!
Is this your creation?
Is it scary, like reeeaaally scary?? (well I am a chicken and I am not afraid to show it haha) If it isn’t I would like to get some more information about it.
Thank you for your support 🙂
Your work is very good, keep it up!!
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Thanks for lovely words. Yes it’s my novel’s blurb. I’m working on it. You made my day:)
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I am glad I made you smile I hope I made you as happy as you made me in your previous comment 🙂
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You did it as well as possible Nina
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Thats grea! How far have you been on your novel?
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About 5 month. It’ll be hard especially when your first language is not English.
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Believe me I can relate to this problem, my mother tongue is Greek, my second language is English and now I am learning German and Spanish haha
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Wow. Great!
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oooooooOOOOOOoooooooo this would make a great book, or movie!!!!
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Thank youuuu!
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Your story idea is fabulous… it is intriguing and mysterious. It is not vague as it definitely would make the readers ask questions like why did Allen move out or is the origin of nightmare connected to his writing..so if he is not writing maybe he is not suffering anymore…..I would definitely want to read it. All the best and please let me know when it is published.
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I’m glad to hear that you enjoyed it!
Thank you very much for this great comment:)
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Its actually really interesting. Maybe start with Rita as the main character and then when she finds him, have it switch. He will be the main character now and the interesting angle of writer’s block is really going to be interesting. Best of luck!
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Thank you for your heartwarming comment 🙂
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Definitely an intriguing premise, the overall pitch needs to be more concise though. And this one sentence is a bit confusing, so you may want to re-think it: “Keeping them safely hidden in floorboard; that is until a new family moves into the Maine house.” Hope this helps! 🙂
Cheers,
Radhika
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Thanks for your suggestion! Have you any better idea abt that sentence? I’m suffering from writer’s block today:D
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Writer’s block is endemic to writers! 🙂 It was confusing why he left it there. Did he flee suddenly? Something else, I wondered…
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I must change it so. After his recovery he hides the notes. Isn’t it better?
For the first problem I mean writer’s block I should re-think.
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Maybe he wanted to destroy them as they were so horrifying but somehow couldn’t so hid them where he thought no one would find them?
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Brilliant idea! You helped a lot tonight. Thank you Radhika:)
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Glad I could help! All the best for the book! 🙂
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Writing a pitch/blurb is the hardest part in my life:D
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Yeah, writing about writing is hard!! 🙂
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Exactly!!
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🙂
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Oh no:( I really need your help.
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Did my earlier comment help at all?
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Yeah thanks again:)
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🙂
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Is it better to say that: “… he begins writing down each nightmare. He keeps the notes safely hidden in floorboard, until a new family moves into the Maine house…”
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The sentence is clear, but I still wonder why the notes remain?
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This could be quite fascinating. I would read it. I love to read dark, mysterious, psychological thrillers, that keep you guessing.
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Every night I recommend a book. I’ll be glad if you help me by suggesting some dark,thriller or horror books. 🙂
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The last one I read that literally gave me nightmares was The killing Lessons by Saul Black. I wanted to finish it as fast as possible….first of all because i obsessed over finding out what would happen next and second i had to finish it so I could sleep semi peacefully at night
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Most of the girls around me just read romance books!
But you are so special:D
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the books I read have to be dark, deviant, scandalous, sexual, obscene, deep, psychological, raw….raw as in it’s clear the author bled when he/she spilled memories and thoughts onto paper. It’s cool when a books entails all of my criteria….but those books are hard to find. i’m usually content as long as the book can shock me and make me think on a deeper level! I loved “the girl on a train”…..i didn’t want it to end. First book I fell in love with was A Clockwork Orange.
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I love books with those traits you mentioned, but I myself write horror.
Do you write story?
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I don’t write stories, but I’m going to start as soon as I’m inspired or have a good plot in my head.
I want to read your favorite horror story you wrote
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Where are you from Anna?:)
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Currently New Hampshire. I don’t say I’m from anywhere in particular because I’ve moved so much. My favorite place I have lived this far is Washington D.C.
Where r u from?
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Great! I love America and its states,especially Maine.
Can you guess my country from my name? 😛
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Hmmm middle east somewhere
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I’m from Iran.
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do u like it there?
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Yes of course. It’s a safe and developing country. But it’s not appropriate for writers:)
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The U.S and Europe are great options
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Especially U.S . I hope one day I travel to U.S and publish my novel there. Here I can’t even publish one page!
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That’s terrible !!! U need to get out of there asap
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Do u have facebook? Or email
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I haven’t use my facebook for years. Here is my email:
amirghazi10@gmail.com
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Your previous profile picture was better:)
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loved reading all the comments here. what a fantastic support network you have!
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I’ll be glad to have your support & feedback my friend:)
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I like it. The only hiccup for me was “floorboard.” It needs an article before it, I think. Good luck!
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Thanks for editing:)
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Are you sure it needs article, I’m not so good at grammar:)
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Hahaha!
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Would you please edit the text for me, Christi?
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My apologies, I thought you were joking in your last comment. I thought your letter was great except I would put an “a” or a “the” in front of the word “floorboard.”
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Oh no problem my friend:)
Thanks again!
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Wow that’s so good! Very creepy! I love creepy!
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Thank you!
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You are so welcome!
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But this is not my final blurb edition. Please check out my last post
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